REWIND: getting to this point

written September 2010

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. -Proverbs 3:5-6

It’s amazing how two verses of scripture that are quoted so often and so seemingly self-explanatory can evolve over time. That’s the awesomeness of faith in action. Trusting God was easy until my faith was tested. Walking by faith didn’t become difficult until God revealed that I hadn’t surrendered every aspect of my life to Him. The last year and a half has brought a number of crossroads my way; it was during these times that I had to choose whether I would walk on by faith or stick to sight-dependent pathways. I have chosen and will continue choosing to trust in Him and not rely on my own understanding.

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts -Psalm 139:23

IT’S NOT ABOUT ME! That’s what the Holy Spirit made me realize. Sure, I had submitted in terms of how I lived, but God wanted more of me. My goals, dreams, motivation- all those needed to align with His will. The point of revelation came in February of 2009. God made it clear that what I had been attempting to dismiss as a reoccurring dream was actually a vision for my future. Up until this point, my life’s goal had been to become a dentist. My dental school application had been submitted and graduation was only three months away. Yet, in the vision, God was making it clear that my calling for youth ministry and my career were to be intertwined. [Sidenote: I had already realized my gift for working with teens, yet I had convinced myself that I wouldn’t go full force until after establishing myself as a dentist. I have NO CLUE how I reasoned that in my mind.] The Holy Spirit sent confirmation by way of Sheila Scott’s sermon “From the Pit to the Palace.” She made the statement, “Our plans aren’t always God’s plans. Sometimes we have to deny our wants to fulfill God’s plan.” That settled it. I withdrew my application not knowing what God had in store for me.

“Testing always precedes promotion.”- Scott Wilson

“I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God, in Him will I trust.”

-Psalm 91:2

At first Satan dug through his bag of tricks, but I’m convinced he eventually decided to dump the whole bag on my head. To ensure he gets no glory, I’ll keep it brief: though I’m a college graduate, job prospects are scarce, a “love experience” proved to be counterfeit, and suggestions on how I should move forward in life continue to come from every angle, but I refuse to give ear to any option that isn’t Spirit-led. This is the truth that I am clinging to: Lead me in Thy truth, and teach me: for Thou are the God of my salvation; on Thee do I wait all day (Psalm 25:5).  By no means has exercising my faith been a cake-walk, but I know the God I serve. I am confident that while I can’t see every puzzle piece in the natural, He is working things out for my good in the spirit realm.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed.” -II Corinthians 4:7-9

And then the enemy came with what was supposed to be a spiritual TKO. When God speaks, I listen. The early part of 2009 was definitely a time of numerous revelations. During this period, He revealed some things about the spiritual leadership I was under. These were “spiritual character flaws” that I was to intercede and fast for on this person’s behalf. I never spoke a word to the individual about what was shown to me; God never released me to do so. I did as He directed me and saw the fruit of my obedience…for a season. As the latter part of that year approached, those same “flaws” plus more began surfacing. I did what I knew to do- pray, fast, and ask God to give me self-examining eyes so that my flesh would not go unchecked. For several months, God’s only response (to this particular situation) was, “Wait.” All the while I felt as though my spirit was being drained. I literally would have a complete church service (praise and worship on my own then watch Jentezen Franklin) before ever leaving home on Sunday mornings, only to return feeling empty. This was just as emotionally taxing as it was spiritually; this was the church I had called “home” for well over four years. [Sidenote: God had spoken and confirmed things that dealt with me personally. Though it was comforting to know He was leading me, I felt as though I could see five years ahead of me but had no clue what would take place the next day. At this time, what I knew for certain was that my best friend and I would be partners in a Christ-based mentor ministry and that Jackson, Tennessee would be the headquarters for that ministry.]  I attempted to convince myself that a change in location would remove me from the “mess” that was attempting to overtake me, but when every job prospect resulted in a dead end, I began to lose hope.

My only motivation for going to church was that I enjoyed teaching Wednesday night Bible study to the teens. Around late April/ early May, God led me to the following verses during my personal study time: Jude, II Peter 2, and Jeremiah 23:9-32. The common denominator for these passages is the theme of false prophets/doctrine. God’s follow-up response to me was, “I’ve shown you these things, now wait.” On Thursday, June 17, 2010 I cried out to God in desperation. I was suffering but trying so hard to trust Him. In that instant, He released me and peace consumed me. The Holy Spirit led me to Matthew 7:15-17 and confirmed my release. I spoke with Pastor before parting ways. God allowed me to leave, but He did not release me to speak on what had been revealed to me. I just explained that I needed more (spiritually) and that God was releasing me from this ministry. There was a church that I planned to attend but God hadn’t given me clear direction on where I “belonged.” Leaving was to be a complete act of faith. Simply put, his responses and countenance validated everything God has shown me. Both then and now, I have no harsh feelings toward him. I was fed under that ministry; I grew and received my calling under that ministry. I recognize the potential in him and continue to pray that God work on his heart and restore the church to what He has called it to be.

“The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; Do not forsake the works of Your hands.” -Psalm 138:8

June 20, 2010 was my last Sunday at the church I had called home since November 2005. I attended a local church the following Sunday, considering myself to be a random visitor. The title of that day’s message spoke volumes to my spirit- Posers. The pastor stated that, “Trials will reveal your authenticity.” So true! This year and a half has challenged the authenticity of my love for God, causing me to choose whether I will be faithful to Him or loyal to people. I have chosen God. I will continue to choose God. [Sidenote: I’m thankful that He sees the whole picture while we’re stuck on tunnel vision. A few weeks after attending this church, I found out they will be planting a church in the same city God is leading me to! Coincidence? I think not!]